This message will self-destruct in...

If most books and articles written in this century on time-management are to be believed, email is to productive and meaningful lives, what GM and Ford are to shareholder wealth. Ok, so that was a schmuck-like analogy, but it gets the point across. The panacea to the digital evil, these experts say, is to check email only twice a day, at set times and to banish your email client to the nether regions of your computer’s RAM. Of course, they make this point while glancing at their blackberry to exclaim at the latest guaranteed method that will add several inches to their you-know-what.

Its not that I have anything against people who make their money from introducing people to the arcane concepts of calendars and wrist-watches but how has no-one asked the obvious question that if email is to be used only twice a day, what of the spikes in crime-rates by rampaging white-collar workers?

That if it’s not for the promisingly bulging envelope recognizable to MS Outlook users or similarly tantalizing taskbar icons for Lotus Notes and Thunderbird users, why would I and all of my ilk, hang around our laptops? Sure there are meetings to be consummated, numbers to be ‘crunched’ and spiffy ‘decks’ to be made but does anyone honestly think marginally sane individuals can or will do that for the duration of their working days? Who will deny the sweet twinge of anticipation that accompanies the momentary change in cursor to herald the arrival of an email?

It even applies to those emails meant for specialized mailing-lists that usually have two sub-lists in them along the lines of: 1. Accountants against IFRS 2. Everyone else. Sure, they’re not quite in the same league as the surge of adrenalin and other hormones that accompanied subject lines in the days of yore, that went “Pictures of Anna Kournikova” but “hilarious one-liners…”, “Mandatory use of access cards”, “UDF for domestic passengers” all have their place in a day’s work. Not content with all the targeted communication on company email servers, some even like to register on websites to receive minute-by-minute updates of peanut prices in Eritria or better-yet, alumni email groups.

Now, those of us afflicted with elevated levels of cynicism would be feeling just that, cynical, about the role of such emails in instilling work-life balance. But take a look at this exchange not more than a few hours ago with a client.

From I to recipient: Are we on for the meeting tomorrow? (Size 2KB)

Response: Yes, confirmed for 2pm. (Size 63KB)

Interest piqued at the 30-fold increase to email size with less than double the words communicated, I scrolled. Turns out, to the innocuous question I posed, the email system had added:

XYZ allows reasonable personal use of the e-mail system. Views and opinions expressed in these communications do not necessarily represent those of XYZ.

DISCLAIMER: The information in this e-mail is confidential and may be legally privileged. It is intended solely for the addressee. Access to this e-mail by anyone else is unauthorized. If you have received this communication in error, please address with the subject heading "Received in error," send to postmaster1@XYZ.com, then delete the e-mail and destroy any copies of it. If you are not the intended recipient, any disclosure, copying, distribution or any action taken or omitted to be taken in reliance on it, is prohibited and may be unlawful. Any opinions or advice contained in this e-mail are subject to the terms and conditions expressed in the governing XYZ client engagement letter. Opinions, conclusions and other information in this e-mail and any attachments that do not relate to the official business of the firm are neither given nor endorsed by it. XYZ cannot guarantee that e-mail communications are secure or error-free, as information could be intercepted, corrupted, amended, lost, destroyed, arrive late or incomplete, or contain viruses.

WTF?! So, let’s recap. They’re saying – we don’t know if you’re the one to have received this email. We don’t know if it’s what it’s supposed to be and if you’re not the one who was supposed to get this, our lawyers will wring all signs of life out of you. Also, let us know which idiot sent you this and we’ll lynch the sender. Not to be outdone, the recipient’s email system responded in kind with warble of its own kind.

It doesn’t take much of a stretch of the imagination to see a few exchanges to mutate into something like:

NEW (and improved) DISCLAIMER: You were not supposed to read this email. If you however have, please delete the email, destroy the computer on which it was accessed (the viruses on the email will probably render your machine as a big-ass paperweight anyway), set fire to the email-server that routed it and jump out of the nearest window. If not, you will be hunted down by crazed network administrators who will then ping you repeatedly while invalidating all your passwords and then dynamically reduce your mailbox limit to one byte less than every incoming email you receive while only letting disclaimers through. Thank you.

Maximizing productivity

What is it about cafeterias that invokes the worst in every human discipline? Assuming of course that the only human disciplines are planning and designing. Flimsy albeit that assumption may be, its worthwhile to consider the aspects of that area meant to satisfy one of the basic needs of humanity. The purpose of this post is not to petition for work areas to allow for satisfaction of other, more primal needs.

A look at the plan for any office building would clearly show that the design of an office cafeteria has to be a separate subject in itself, called something like 'Working Drone Nutrition Area Design', a hybrid science combining the science of architecture with psychology. This must involve complex algorithms to ensure that the area is at 125% utilization irrespective of your attempt to delay your lunch hour till the point your bodily functions start to recede into something resembling a comatose cabbage. It turns out that the excess 25% are usually people who have entered a zombie-like state while waiting for tables to become available. No one has seen what happens to them but it wouldn't be impossible to believe that the cafeteria staff moonlight as suppliers of crash test dummies.

It'd be too easy if all it took to get a table was for the planets to line up to spell 'BURP'. It would take more like a political party that does not rely on divisive groupism to make itself heard. Heck, nothing's that impossible. Having sufficiently exulted over the capture of your very own slab of formica-topped plywood, one surveys the options.

Nowhere is the disparity between the 'haves' and the 'have-nots' as prominent as on the cafeteria table. The haves = 'Has stay-at-home-wife-who-wakes-up-to-cook-for-me' shamelessly parades his assorted array that boasts nutrition, taste and the odd dollop of love. The have-nots = 'Have-no-chance-of-living-past-35-coz-of-the-cafeteria-food' meanwhile look through the menu that has all of 4 options (counting 'extra ketchup') and know by rote anyway before picking what they do everyday.

The effect is that the average lunch thus lasts about 11 minutes, 8 of which the haves spend screwing the lids on their stay-warm tiffins and the have-nots spending suspiciously poking at their food to check for unwarranted movement and looking at when they can back to their microsoft office document. Productivity soars! If that's not brilliant use of psychology, I don't know what is.

Technorati Tags: blah, work

Anatomy of a kickoff

Engagement kickoff meeting. We'll call the key participants Entity A (hint: starts with a P...ends with an artner) and Entity B (hint: John Grisham). There are others involved, and by relative importance, they will be called non-entities.

Why not just refer to them with their names? Three reasons; Client confidentiality, lest the managers of the 'Unethical use of information for material gain' department of every competing organization to our client is trawling the internet and other dark places to find information that they can use, two; this is only a representation of a gazillion similar meetings occurring all over the world and three; it would make the story less fun to tell.

Prologue
Entities A and B arrive (within 4-5 minutes of each other, about 10 minutes past scheduled time) with non-entities in tow. It is important here to note that the number of non-entities could vary depending on the scope of the engagement. First few minutes are spent on one or more of the following: traffic (how they started from home/office at daybreak), weather (in proportion to how much rain there has been), work (making sure that no actual details are mentioned). Smiles and nods all around from the non-entities. One of the non-entities (usually the newest) has twiddled with the focus and sundry knobs on the projector to maximize graphic impact. (it’s a mechanism to soothe his frayed nerves not unlike when FBI agents, when in a potentially volatile situation, finger their coat buttons except they're doing it to gain ready access to the .45 in their hip holster).

The meeting
The assortment of boxes, arrows, pyramids et al start their procession on screen as entity A waxes eloquent. The typical exchange goes along the lines of:

Entity A: I have been involved with 117 similar engagements and I'll be closely monitoring every stage of the project (I'll insist that every deliverable is sent to me atleast 2 hours before it is due none of which I'll see coz my blackberry can not open attachments). Our approach combines the collective wisdom of three generations (of fruit flies) with the essence of all the information there is in the world that will be superimposed with our patented frameworks (that table in the Economist on the page I used to mop up my spilt coffee this morning looked good).
Entity B: Being a very a result-oriented CEO, I'd like to see atleast five generations and that other generation born after specialized in-breeding in the north of the Andes (read about it that morning in a google news sidebar...others read too you smug bastard)
Entity A: Not a problem, Only yesterday, I lunched with the senior scientist who supervised that particular generation (glanced and nodded briefly in a buffet line at a symposium on dog allergies when I bumped into him causing the elbow of his jacket to dip into my paneer makhani).
…67 slides later…
Entity A:...in summary, it would be safe to say that implementing our solution will increase topline by 467% and deliver you to the land of milk, honey and playmates (potentially if all planets line up just right, if elvis comes back and if other less likelier things happen, you might get more than just carpal tunnel from signing our invoices)
Entity B: 467% in topline growth sounds about right but we would also reduce the need for capital expenditure completely while achieving a 97% decrease in operating costs and as a natural extension of that exercise, ensure that someone walks my dogs - twice a day.

Sharp intake of breath from the non-entities but the sound is drowned by that of furious scribbling

Epilogue
Pleasantries exchanged as the group files out of the room…Entity A turns to the biggest non-entity and says with a smile "Don't worry, I'll ensure there is no scope creep...you only have to walk his dog once a day..also, don’t bother copying me on the emails henceforth, just contact my secretary to schedule for the final presentation”

Technorati Tags: blah, consulting, work

of frameworks and matrices

Unlimited expense accounts, first-class travel, 7-star accommodation, fortune 500 CEOs eating out of the palm of your hand...those are the images associated with the most sought after profession on any B-school campus. No wonder that most other career choices pale in comparison. Combine that with the exalted Day-Zero status...and you have a heady mix. Nay...this is not a rant against management consulting or even against the <insert day 0 firm here> of the world, but a different perspective...from that of a management consultant with a firm, the mention of which causes the listener's eyes to narrow as they do a mental search to make some kind of connection by way of reference but fail. Given the number of 'day in the life of' sessions conducted by the usual suspects and the fact that these guys are also the most articulate you're likely to ever come across, it'd be an achievement for any B-school grad to not know everything that happens between the moment the sharply dressed MC shrugs on his Savile Row jacket to the power handshake with the client CEO as he and his team marvel at the slick 'deck' you just presented.

So, what's the same profession like when shorn of its splendour? When you're rooming at hotel Staywell instead of 'The Oberoi'...ok I made the hotel up but you get the idea, when you have to convince your client that flying budget is just not the way to go and when you gotta stand in line to get into a beatup ol' black-and-yellow to get home after disembarking from that hard-earned 'full-service' flight?

Do-it-yourself : Small clients => smaller budgets => (much) lower billing rates => smaller teams. So, a lot of grunt work that might otherwise have been smoothly delegated to that lower life-form know as analysts, you do yourself. This includes calling your respondent group to setup appointments to preparing that industry pack for the first internal brainstorm session with your principal.

Primary Research travails : small firm => lean staffing => lots of pillar-to-post. When one of the 'key value propositions' of the firm is in-depth supplier/buyer behaviour by doing in-person research, means umpteen 1-2 day trips to random-ass cities with meetings lined up (by you). Am only guessing here, but an MC from a top-tier firm could possibly get away with a 'robust methodology' applied to a 'dipstick' survey

Unassigned? what's that? : You've huffed and puffed to send the report to the clients post the final meeting...with all those extras the client wanted (some that your client couldn't care less for but your boss wanted)..including that sensitivity analysis on the financial projections that took into account armageddon. You hit send and even before the length of your back comes in contact with the backrest of your chair, a principal strolls in saying "you're done with engagement xyz, right"...rhetorical question really...and you're off...to the kick-off meeting for the next project. And then your buddy from <insert day 0 firm here> calls and says how he's been home for the past week coz he's unassigned...you start fantasizing about that last scenario you modeled

High-profile PIA (pain-in-the-ass): When a habitual consumer of MC services (read any multinational or Indian company featuring on any forbes list), all hell breaks loose. The story usually is that the company isn't chuffed about their last encounter with <insert day 0 firm here> and hence is looking to 'de-risk'. What it actually means is to have your happiness sucked out of you for the duration of the engagement....with review meetings aplenty, you work and rework your deck till the project folder has more versions than windows has bug-fixes

But all said, you're still looking to answer questions that someone who runs a business has asked...and to see even a portion of your recommendations implemented is the high that makes most of the above worth it... of course, that doesn't mean I have anything against travelling first class :)

Technorati tags: work, consulting

slipstream

Engine taken apart...overhauled..put back together..finely tuned (ok..tuned)...brake lights and other electronics tested...the muffled thud on the side of the tank indicates its brimming...seat set just right...squeal of tires as you keep the clutch depressed longer than it has to be...and you're off on that long drive that you just know is gonna be the most exciting of your life. The almost mirror-like finish of the tarmac contrasting the stark white lane markings as they hurry past you on either side.

You shift up into 3rd as you round that first shallow bend...and woah..glowing brake lights all over the place...you downshift..waiting for the temporary impediment to be moved...as you stutter along with the traffic...this is taking longer than you thought...The early winter months and those of fall are kinda like that. You peer into the distance trying to identify landmarks well in advance so that you don't depend on seeing the bright green and white signs. Just because sharp turns of the wheel are only taken as advise and not commands by the hulk of metal glass and rubber you're in, considering the wind-swept fall of almost liquid-but-not-quite slurries are forming a rather non-adhesive coating of slush on the ground. You try and maintain course and treat the gas pedal like this chick you're initiating epidermal contact with and hence do not know how she'll react rather than the bedspring shattering acts you'd do on a near-empty stretch of asphalt on a bone-dry summer morning.

Just not good enough. A break in the brush on your side of the tarmac..a path leading off in a direction and disappearing into the brush...dusty..rocky...no idea where its going. You look around at the adjoining lanes and fellow commuters...as they try hard to stay awake as the cavalcade lumbers on..that does it...you wrench the wheel...gun it...go bouncing down onto the dust-track..good thing you finished with that coffee a while ago else it'd be all over the upholstery by now...you wonder if the tyres are up for it...you wonder if you're up for it...other dusty roads leading off this one...no maps here...you grip the wheel tighter and turn up the volume a couple of notches...you grin...

Quite the ridiculous way of summarizing my 7 professional months post-B School but then thats exactly why free-speech is such a wonderful thing. One would think getting into a different line of work with 6-day work weeks and bucket-loads of travel would be a handful and one wouldn't be wrong. However, those haven't precluded initiating merger-discussions (or is it a takeover) with a company (more accurately its marketing arm) known more for its refineries than Code-Division Multiple Access coverage. Add to that, getting approval from the top managements of both firms, going on promotional tours to gain buy-in from senior managers , engineering bilateral talks and drawing up the implementation plan for the merger have been on the 'to-do' list and are now on the 'phew-done' list. Lots more remain.

You brace as you gun it to launch yourself over a fallen tree-trunk...its all happening...you grin broader...

p.s: all references to M&A activity (however inaccurate in its terminology) are in no way related to anything in the corporate world...just a clarification

heart says that what the heart says

"You will inherit a large sum of money"...says orkut, raised my arms in joy only to become aware of how its not a good idea to burden the skinnies with unreasonable amounts of load to lift after long periods of time. Am currently celebrating the first-ever client meeting i've had on this engagement that wrapped up in less than 2 hours. Suddenly I don't know what to do with myself. Some suitable pics and alone time would've been a good idea but the glass-walled cabin kinda precludes that. or then again maybe I can just tell any curious onlookers that this is how we consultants think. then again maybe not. so settled for typing out a post in the middle of the day.

Had a 'kool kafe' to substitute for lunch. you haven't heard of it you say? those ads about "dil bole jo bole..." where people hold their thumb and forefinger about 2 inches apart and grin. dunno how the censors missed that. i mean come'on...there's this wedding scene where the soon-to-be deflowered bride turns away from her husband and does that same gesture. as the poor guy tries to deal with his embarassment, an aunty-type leans in close and does the same gesture with a sly grin. talk about hitting a guy where it'd hurt most.

Checked the tour match score and sure enough, a formerly obscure fast bowler has now taken 4 indian wickets (sehwag, sachin, laxman, dhoni). forget sports pshycologists, you need to boost a quick bowler's morale - feed him our team! the likes of Franklin Rose, Dion Nash, Simon Doull, Lance Klusener to name a few would attest to how thoroughly ordinary bowlers are given marshall-esque reputations by our stars. but australia raises the bar on impossible test match come-backs and so all's well with the cricket. damn! those guys can sure play sport!

and now...back to the next deliverable...

time-please!

Things have to be seriously wrong with the world if my blog shows only three installments of its customary drivel for all of the month of November. It'd be cool if I could break my silence with a "Eureka" about deep insight into the metaphysical or such other esoteric concepts. Sadly, I have nothing but being a ping-pong ball with the opposite ends of the table in two cities as my reason. Trooping into the client's office every weekday, plonking yourself in a conference room, meeting all and sundry, shadowing some as they go about their tasks (imagine having someone looking over shoulder, notepad in hand, asking questions, making notes. I'd be lead to man-handling someone doing that to me). Meetings...consensus...god how i hate that word! the spawn of the devil. the deepest subterranean root-cause of all thats wrong. Think I'm being melodramatic? Try putting a bunch of managers into a room and getting them to agree on the colour the office walls should be painted with. Damned if you don't come out of the room with a psyche 'f***in' delic rainbow on your notepad!

In other news, the Indian team's performance/selection got more newsprint than the Rwanda genocide ever did but then, thats perfectly logical for a country that tacks its sense of pride and achievement onto a bunch of 14 individuals weighed down by expectations and also the logos sewn onto their equipment. Its amusing how everyone and their uncle has an opinion (hence this one) about how to fix the slide. With news channels announcing Sourav's inclusion a day in advance, you wonder if the selectors actually even debated the player who's technique makes him unsuitable for anything but a sandpit as far as bounce goes. Band-aid fixes et al, we all shall wait with bated breath to expect dramatic turnarounds conveniently ignoring the following:

1. Our performance in South Africa is dismal for a reason; we can't play movement. Not rocket science that but contrary to popular opinion, our performance in the 2003 world cup was not an instance of our warriors mastering the conditions. God bless Dr. Ali Bacher for having read "Fortune at the bottom of the pyramid" and having the life squeezed out of all wickets to provide featherbeds for the purpose of providing employment to 'has-been' actresses (read Mandira Bedi) and tarot card readers

2. Our cricketers have never had to correct this deficiency in their technique. Reason - we play over 70% of our games at home/home-like conditions. Embarassing failures in South Africa are camouflaged by 'scintillating come-backs' in tournaments involving the likes of Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, England etc (Yuvraj Singh must be thanking his stars for his timely injury)

It ain't the cricketers' fault though that they go through their domestic lives thinking that anything green can only be an outfield and the first time they see the ball zip past chest height is on an international tour match. Of course the board can't be held responsible either, there are broadcasting rights to be auctioned, official team sponsors to be chosen. Not for them the trivialities of looking into the preparation of the most crucial 22 yards in the sport, given that the odd sprinkling of grass might actually encourage a young kid somewhere to want to knock the batsman's head off rather than make a beeline for the batting crease. No, we wouldn't want a crop of searing quick fast bowlers to complicate matters of selection even more, would we. As for now, the poor over-marketed sods in SA can only hope...

the more things change...they differ

B-school
In the nethers of an SV somewhere in gachibowli, india
3.30 am…4 hours before class...enough with the procrastination…sidle back from the sv1 café…flip open bulkpack...

20-25 pages..groan…title is the name of a 120 yr old company
Sections: Industry Background, Company history, Competitors, Present-Day Scenario
Exhibits: Consumer preferences, margins etc etc
Strategic Options: available to company X - Consolidate, Big bet expansion, controlled growth (pros and cons as appearing in the ceo's mind listed systematically)

Solution: Pick one of the three options after having worked out the margins (ok ok…once in a moon approaching the colour of aquamarine I did analyze those cases) and those of competitors based on the topic in the article (mostly HBS, sometimes other). Run highlighter over appropriately spaced lines so you look enlightened. Quaddies says the other option is what works…but then in B-Schools….always “it depends”…feeling of accomplishment…sigh

Alt + F4..u

Real-life
In the nethers of any number of cities you could think of…wake up bright and early..shower…shave…crisply laundered formals…tie…flip open proposal…

what pages? do your own frikkin' research.
Sections? (see previous answer).
Industry Background - who to include, who not to? if potential substitutes are part of the same industry, the list could be endless, gotta draw the line somewhere!...
Exhibits (you don't learn do you?) read articles, some not worth the silicon that went into making the transistors that went into storing the bits of data that constitute them. Find 'expert' analysis, only to see footnote at the bottom saying he's ceo of one of the firms. makes sense now why he predicted 300% y-o-y growth over the next two decades. damn! Whitepapers from miscellaneous websites, ditto. Margins? might as well dream up that kind of information...'estimate'.

Strategic options available...what? not listed? yes, industry definitely looking good, some capabilities there, gotta obtain the rest, easy - M&M..no no..M&A! wait! what about that company that filed for bankruptcy after doing that exact same thing...gulp...hope client doesn't have a troublesome memory. or maybe slow-and-steady is the way to go...but then where's the razz-meh-tazz in my ppt? oh chuck it, just tell them to divest the darn business and setup a handicraft store.
Small matter remaining of coming up with a 300 slider by day-before-yesterday for the final meeting…sigh

Alt + F4..u

Operation: Diamondrocket

Its amazing how little it takes for the market-leader's offering to become an also-ran. About six odd months ago if someone asked me about the best domestic airline, would be an equivocal answer - Jet airways. Their flights (usually) left the tarmac on time, service was courteous - both on the ground and in the air, food was palatable. It helped that its closest competitors struggled to get their planes off the ground and had a hard time figuring out where the next flight was off to.

So, I did my first trip on Kingfisher, and all the signed assertions aside, they certainly have raised the bar on air-travel in India. The ground-staff just that bit extra-smiley, the seats just that bit wider, the personal video screen just that bit unheard of. To complete the comparison, the return trip was on Jet Airways and it was brought home to me that the industry-leader didn't necessary have to be doing anything really wrong to be left sputtering in the dust clouds of a brash new challenger. Nothing that every marketing text hasn't already said. But it brings home the fact that, for business, inertia, is death. Of course, it remains to be seen whether Mr Mallya's patience outlasts the time for his airline to come out of the red.

Week spent in B'lore, this time however, not on endless primary research runs, but meeting the new client and getting a first-hand account of their processes. The assignment, to find scope as we go along, and a long one at that, six months. Looked at a few service-apartments to call home for the duration. Dunno how this fly-back thing every weekend is gonna work, guess having that aiplane smell in your clothes is when you call yourself a consultant? Am guessing its more when I can claim to reel off every strategy framework/matrix/pyramid/4D hexagonal holographic analyzer that there is. Have two books on the immediate agenda; Re-engineering the Corporation - Michael Hammer/James Champy and Better Change - PWC. Of course, they come a distant 2nd/3rd to finishing the contractions of shoulder muscles by mythological persons called Atlas.

For now, four days of happy diwali!

p.s: The title is apparently a Kannada blockbuster from the 70's starring the inimitable Rajkumar as regaled to us by our driver as we navigated the parking lots that are B'lore's roads.

man overboard!

Its just one of those days. Nothing untoward about it. The usual grind, except that some days the word gets a l'il too literal. Fragmented thoughts. Thinking about the work deliverable while trying to concentrate on the training assignment on hand. Tying up the loose ends on the current assignment. Also the new assignment starting up and the related trip. Not forming a complete thought at any stage, whizzing between all the sundries, without a momentary pause. The mind, wearing down as each blurred thought ends in a cul-de-sac, then restarts, wheels spinning, a tortured engine being made to roar and then brought to a crunching halt, asked to reverse direction. making rasping protests about the pointlessness of the demands being made. In the backdrop of all the tumult...the wisp of the thought that its all momentary...that what really matters is there...reassuringly so...and you know how central this person is... to your functioning...your sanity...your life...

inhale

Bright sunshine. Fresh-cut grass. Not the noon kinda bright where you sense that trickle of sweat run down your armpit into the waistband of your trousers. This is more the early evening sunlight that's not quite as hot. Then there's the expanse of green, not lush or gently billowing in the breeze...but more the index length tufty kind thats spread evenly across a clear tract of land, preferably oval in shape. And the rhythmic thuds...spaced evenly...going from soft thuds to distinctly crunchy as the spikes find gravel ending in a muffled grunt. This followed by a solid wooden sound, not dull, more like a bullet leaving the muzzle of a long bore rifle. One of the simple pleasures of life...missing that quite desperately in this city that seems to only look for excuses to f*** up its already clogged roads with ridiculous processions that are an assault on the senses and yes...sensibility.

Had a full week with the new engagement starting up (meant less in a matrimonial context than in an armed combat sense). This is the one that's been on the anvil for almost a month now, but it happened when I was being asked to *gasp* model in the financial sense for my first project. This one's more process-related and hence involves lots of talking to people and also listening. Whole bunch of interviews, some gyaan-giving to the newbie, some '   excel'ing to manage project plans and the week's whizzed by.

Caught up with one of the brethren from G6, impromptu plan...couple of drinks at the Sports Bar, burgers at McD and scoops of chocolate, the malted fudge and bavarian kind...ideal combination I think. Updates on whats been happening since last we met and how things have been since the days we overtipped the B&C staff after having exhausted their tequila supplies. Wonder when all the members will be available at the same time for a good ol' binge and completely nonsensical bantering.

Right-arm swing with some seam, Right-hand top/middle-order bat, Hair Bands, Booze with buddies...that's what i'm talking about...

perspire and grow thin

Just when it felt like life was mostly about scratched bumper to scratched bumper traffic and the endless 'religiously approved' traffic snarls with bunches of people going into epileptic fits of ecstacy accompanied by 15000 watts and jet-engine decibel music. The only distinction between those scenes and any seedy dance bar being the idol in tow that supposedly makes the whole exercise a worthy one. Bloody annoying if nothing else.

Coming back to the point, had the firm's annual 'offsite' gathering in Lonavla this weekend. So brilliantly located is this resort 'Upper Deck' (www.upperdeckresort.com), that you can't complete the last leg of the journey in your own vehicles but have to get into the resort's four-wheeled Scorpios to get up the stream-bed that doubles as the 'off the beaten path' path. The discomfort of the bone-jarring ride up the slope disappeared the moment the vehicle rounded the final turn. It was that orgasmic feeling you get when you bite into a morsel of minced lamb with sauteed onions where the flavors seem to explode in your mouth. except, it was all visual...the term panoramic has seldom been as breathtakingly justified as that view did. Miles and miles of rolling green hills, not so steep as to look threatening, all covered with what looked like a velvet green tablecloth with the odd outcropping of trees. The glint of reflected sunlight made you wonder if there were ropes of tiny diamonds hanging in different places, mini-waterfalls created as a result of the monsoons. If ever there's been a risk of moi lapsing into ridiculous poetry, this was it.

Fairly chilled out weekend with table-tennis sessions, long breakfast/lunch/dinner sessions with lotsa anecdotes, gyaan sessions, treasure hunts and the awards for the year being handed out to be followed by loud music and dancing...oh haan..and booze..kinda slipped my mind there...

hole sale

My longest break by far since making the move to the new job. Three whole days...courtesy the firm moving our customary third saturday off to this monday. I certainly am not complaining, atleast not till saturday. The weekend's been mostly relaxing with the expenditure of some quality time. S, counting the cd and the Gary Larson and C&H, I won't complain if you make it a weekly thing to give me cool stuff :)
We're in the home-stretch of my first assignment. Had what was essentially the presentation of our recommendations on friday, went well, I think. The sixty-four million dollar question I suppose will always be whether you've come up with anything that they wouldn't have thought of anyway. Don't want to overanalyze something I have scant knowledge about, so there'll be more posts once I reckon to have a surer hang of things. Will be starting on a new assignment tomorrow, will know more after the first meeting with clients.

Considering to-dos form a large part of my life these days, thought I should list some of 'em important ones...

Things I need to do in the near-ish future:

1. Figure out the business of management consulting...as in really figure it out


2. Get back to working out...regularly (this one's been part of other lists in the past...but this time I have 35 lbs of metal and two bars to vouch for me)


3. Get a half-decent car


4. Stake out agreeable residential localities in the city...no..not for potential targets to satisfy carnal desires or serial-killer tendencies but for actual places i'd like to live in


5. Read the three books I recently got (from that l'il basement store called 'The Bookworm' in a side-street in B'lore, faint mustiness and arrays of yellowed books...quite surreal)

kinky in the boardroom

Ok, so tying a thin strip of fabric (mostly silk) around my neck, with a neat knot (well, mostly and no...we're not talkin' S&M here..well not yet) with the end dangling under my chin, every day of the work week isn't exactly my idea of fun. The hour long commute each way isn't that flash either. Nor is wearing three layers with this city's humidity levels..(when one is one too many).. every once in a while because apparently, the additional layer automatically implies 'wisdom' and 'great analytical ability' and 'a huuuuuuge....ok well maybe thats tougher to imply...ford's done a better job describing the garment that endows you...Butt...and am talking one of those that make you want to reach out...and...well squeeze!...telling the top management of a company about how they should be running their organization...in their boardroom..oak-panelled walls et al...listing out a slew of things they should do/change/desist to maximize shareholder value (and believe it or not...thats not sarcasm!)...yup....thats not stuff you put on your regular weekly status report in your regular information technology services company with regular growth rates in triple figures before boarding the regular bus that takes you back to civilization. Yup...I think I could get used to that...

what's that smell?

the fair question would be "who's that smell?!" yeah...that's what probably caused the president of the United States (Harrison Ford, yeah the real one..not Dubya) to toss the evil dude(he spoke english with a middle-eastern accent...duh!) off Airforce One after he said "Get off my plane..." So here you are, about 170 odd of you...packed like sardines in a can...the flight's delayed by the regulation 15 mins (they might as well write "departure time: 20.05 std deviation 15 mins"), been in the air for an hour during which everyone's partaken of dinner (the only reason am not making fun of the meal is the recall of the pathetic bags of peanuts/pretzels that airlines in the US hurl at you)...and then ...yup...you guessed it...someone farts. and you realize how helpless you truly are...strapped into the window seat next to a guy who really should be paying for two tickets considering the amount of space the two of them occupy...yeah..him and his protruding belly! am sure it must be the kind of thing they teach in the advanced levels of 'Torture 601' in the clandestine training rooms of the KGB or the Mossad or such arcane (but equally ruthless) organizations. your primeval survival instincts kick in and you press your face to the 'window' for some fresh air but then the plexi-glass presses back mockingly. so you do nothing but let it all dissipate into the air to be regurgitated by the air conditioning. finally you land, and you wonder how a flight thats supposed to take a l'il over an hour took almost three to get you to your destination....frikkin' air-traffic!

but its nice to be home...wouldn't even think it'd be a big deal, but then after a week and a half of incessant driving about in b'lore and chennai...it does feel nice...sigh. had read a news item a couple of years ago about how a car thief pulled a job on a swank sedan parked on a tokyo street at 7am only to be arrested 2 hours later in a traffic snarl 300 yards away...bangalore's not like that...he'd be about 100 yards away here. and chennai...barrelling down the wrong way on busy streets because the auto-driver decided to save some time, cutting in front of buses that don't look like they're used to being treated like that and millimeter precision so you're vehicle is exactly two coats of paint away from the belching exhaust of a truck...quite an art i think. serves me right for skipping the car on offer thinking it'd be quicker this way. am starting to have more and more respect for b'bay's traffic!

oh yeah...and happy b'day to me

p.s: the title is actually three doors down...cool song too...

Of arrogance...

"You guys are arrogant"; words from one of the Delivery Managers who was giving us this presentation on a certain business unit at my new job. The ten-strong batch of inductees (6 ISB, 3 IIMC, 1 IIML) into the Business Analyst track looked at each other, with some incredulity. He went on to add how management grads from the premier institutes tend to have little patience when working with people of 'conventional' and 'ordinary' caliber (both his words not mine!) The problem he said wasn't limited to management grads and was present in engineering graduates from the illustrious IITs. Quoting himself as an example of the latter, he explained how 'we' (apparently we were the latest additions to the fraternity), join any organization with expectations of revolutionizing the way it conducts its business, making sweeping changes to its strategy working in teams with other like-minded individuals. The reality, however, hits when your job description is anything like the expectation and your responsibilities are almost identical to those being handled by that deadbeat who graduated from <gasp> a tier-II college! Indignation turns to disillusionment as your performance on the job seems to be no better than his and you reason that the mechanical nature of the job shackles you from unleashing your true potential (" even a monkey could do this job!"). The true challenge, he said, was to work with people, and get work done, not judging them by the names on their degree certificates (in our case diplomas).

Well-intentioned advice all of it, in fact would serve us well to keep in mind some of that. A year and a half ago, when my peer group was mainly engineering graduates from various colleges affiliated to Mumbai University (not too favorably compared to the Carnegie Mellons of the world), I would've been inclined to agree. Just look at those schmucks in suits with fancy titles who seem to do little else but attend meetings all day! The proverbial shoe's on the other foot and I find myself protesting that very idea, so energetically propounded by the DM. I only speak for those of us who, after not insubstantial experience in various lines of work, set out to obtain that management degree. By no means is it a slur on fresh graduates, but I think as individuals, the former group puts more on the line. Putting careers on hold, be it to attain incremental growth or to switch tracks altogether, is dicey business. Its only during the course that does one realize that its much more than an additional qualification to add to your CV, its a completely different way of looking at the business of running a business. So, I think its completely fair that we then come out of B-school demanding more from our jobs, in some part in how big the figure on our paycheck is, but more importantly in the exact nature of work. Exposure to the different facets that go into running a successful business means that you have a much better idea of what you'd be good at doing and anything different is just a waste of everyone's time. I think its this finickiness(sometimes confusion?) about what you want to do that comes off as arrogance.

So, no, we're not arrogant, but we sure are proud of our alma mater and there's nothing wrong with that...

One Bye One

The fact that my current employers believe in blocking every productive website that there is, accounts for the delay in writing the post and actually posting it...

Pune...Week 1...
Chill in the air, more than a slight breeze and random specks of a light drizzle hitting my face as I turned in towards the hotel entrance after a longish walk. Its 10.34pm and the end of week one in my new job location; Hinjewadi Pune. My first day off in Pune, even though only had half the day after the morning and afternoon were spent hunting for what seems to be an endangered species in this city, the 'To Let' apartment.

The Rajiv Gandhi IT Park is a distance from the city with sprawling campuses with every Indian IT major and not-so-majors. The Infy campus is easily the biggest (surprise surprise!) and while Phase I of their campus has a respectable capacity of 4000, Phase II is a gargantuan 15000. The arhitecture is something to behold, with the latest building under construction resembling a crash-landed UFO. The CTS campus, while not as dispersed, has a couple of large 'high-tech-looking' structures.

The week has been demanding and the opposite in different ways. Days filled with presentations from different departments, most of them, vertical, some horizontal. The organization, as has been pointed out to us, is very distinctly partitioned into discrete components that function with almost complete autonomy. After a Delivery Manager in the Manufacturing and Logistics vertical expressed surprise that I would be working for the Insurance vertical and how he wasnt aware if that vertical existed in Pune, I decided to form a new entity, the Diagonal! Our batch of 10 inductees promptly agreed that I should head it.The function of this diagonal is as yet undecided, but for those who specialized in geometry would have figured out that this entity would be longer than and therefore have more clout than the plethora of verticals and horizontals

Scouting around the city, looking at one apartment after another have removed all doubt in my mind that the business of brokering transactions between home-owners and hapless software professionals is far more profitable a vocation than the one I am in. Another couple of days of training and then Im guessing therell be more to my day than sitting back in dimly lit presentation rooms pretending to listen while typing out smses.

Mumbai...Week 2...
Training ended tuesday...elongated affair with 3 different hotel rooms...owing to miscommunicated reservations. Went in on wednesday, all spruced up to meet new boss. Located his cabin on the campus and went in with a resounding "Good Morning Mr....". His smile faded as I told him that I was there to join his vertical as a BDM. I didn't expect him to fall over himself wanting to hug me, but this?! Turns out he didn't seem to have appropriate work for me at this stage and therefore had informed HR that my services wouldn't be needed. So, I left wondering if my stint with this company was at an end...when I was informed by the HR contact assigned to make us feel at home that it'd be sorted out in a jiffy. Next morning, I get a phone call saying that my prospective boss was going to chennai for a meeting to decide what I could possibly contriubute to the organization...that kinda thing usually happens after I've spent a few months at a workplace...chuckle! So, am expecting a warmer welcome (and sniff...work!) come Monday morning...now for a hearty homely breakfast...bwaa haa haa....

Oh yeah...signed the lease to our apartment in Aundh...right now consists of 2 buckets, 2 mugs, a host of cabinets and little else...phase 2 of operation makaan to begin next week...

p.s: title of the post...saw it on a rickshaw this morning on my way here...for those who still look for logic on this page...