And to all...Great unrest!

Our minds love symmetry. That is evinced by how excited researchers and scientists get when they find something that no one knew was there in a place that few knew existed, that is remarkably similar to something everyone knew existed, in a place, everyone could find on google maps. Take for instance headlines like “Scientists discover a tree fungus remarkably similar to diesel…” or “NASA scientists discover methane gas on Mars…” I’m not quite sure if it applies to other discoveries like “Man finds previously unexplored region on the back of his hand”

Anyway, a team of researchers set out to draw yet another bunch of parallels and came away dumbfounded by the extent of their discovery. Like most dumbfounding discoveries however, it is the most obvious thing. Not to take away from their efforts though, a bunch of documents were recently acquired, all in very cloak and dagger fashion (which made the exercise all the more tedious, the cloak kept tripping them up and its amazing the amount of damage a free-swinging dagger on a belt can do).

The documents in question are the mission statements of some of the best-known organizations of our time. If you’re thinking Coca Cola, Google, Disney et al, you’ve obviously not been following the foremost information-disseminators of our time; namely India TV, AajTak and others of their kind.

I’m referring to the likes of Mongers of Nihilistic Schizophrenia (MNS) , Supporters of Ridiculous Schisms (SRS), reTArded Leaders In Buffoonery And Nincompoopery (TALIBAN).

Interestingly, this motley bunch of organizations has strikingly similar playbooks. Our experts have found the key tenets:

1 The more the merrier. A note to each of our CDRs (Congenitally Dimwitted Recruits). A rule of thumb while embarking on a project is to apply a ratio of 3:1. For the number of people in target area, make sure you have atleast 3 times the CDRs (table in appendix gives the multiplication table for easy reference).

2. Women and children first. Old men next. They’re usually smaller than us and bruise easy. Note that the thumb rule on resourcing still applies. The littler ones make excellent shields against glass fragments, but watch out for flailing limbs

3. Inanimate objects are our friends. They fight back even less than the ones above. On locating ones made of material that is typically breakable, go to town! Here the resourcing rule can relaxed to 2 CDRs to each object.

4 The issue is not the issue. What we mobilize for doesn’t matter. It could be about anything as long as you can apply tenets 1, 2 and 3. If religion, caste, sex cease to be issues, some suggestions: discrepancy in the number of sesame seeds on a McDonalds bun, refusal of six-sided dies to show numbers higher than 6, discrimination against all polygonal shapes in the manufacture of manhole covers. (refer best-seller by Boob Nubbin titled “2001 causes to burn cars over”

In summary, remember we advocate a return to simpler times. Preferably one where our ancestors were still swinging off trees. Any signs of having advanced from there need to be removed. Besides, windshields and educational institutions are excellent examples of 2 and 3. Great unrest to all!